


On the outside. (Always looking in.)

by BearBear8



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Slightly hopeful ending?, Song fic, The other sides are mentioned briefly. But it’s nothing important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22761925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearBear8/pseuds/BearBear8
Summary: Roman hasn’t been feeling too princely lately...But it’s okay! Really! He’s fine. He's....he’s fine. (He’s not)(Aka me projecting onto Roman. Plus angst! :,D)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 73





	On the outside. (Always looking in.)

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy yooooo so I’m not dead! 
> 
> Surprise! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
>   
> First of all, I’m sorry for being gone for so long!! Life has just been super hectic! 
> 
>   
> But I wanna say thank you to everyone whose followed, given kudos, left comments, or even just read all my previous works! I’ll be replying to those comments as soon as possible! (I’ve seen them, and appreciate them. Just never know how to reply!) 
> 
> I’ll explain more about my absence in the end notes!
> 
> Anyway! Possible TW for this work is referenced self harm! (Nothing graphic! And just briefly mentioned. But still, stay safe!) And I believe that’s it! On with Lè story!

Roman sat down heavily in his desk chair, hyper aware of the cuts that lined all up and down the inside of his forearms, he was also aware of the moisture that was dripping onto his desk.

He wanted to blame it on his wet hair, wanted desperately to believe it wasn’t from him crying.

But he knew better.

Gingerly placing his head in his hands, he let out a quiet sob, trying desperately to stifle his quiet sniffles, before it turned into a full blown sobbing session.

He then sniffled, lifting up his head, and reaching for his journal. He knew the others would probably mock him if they found out he kept one, but he didn’t care anymore. Besides, it’s not like anyone went in his room, anyway.

He winced at that. They wouldn’t wanna see it now, anyway. It was messy, far messier than it had ever been. It looked closer to something Remus’ room would look like.

His clothes were strewn around the room, his sketch books and art supplies thrown all over the place. Even his beloved sword was tossed on a chair, like it was some cheap nick knack.

_Useless, can’t even clean your room anymore._

Sniffling some more, he opened his journal, flipping to the next empty page. He began writing down all his thoughts, letting his mind wander, allowing his hand to write whatever came to mind.

~~**_“Dear diary. No no, that just sounds wrong. Idiot._ ** ~~

**_Anyway, I don’t really know why I’m even doing this, what’s the point? I don’t know. But I’ve got nothing better to do, so I might as well. Lately, well, lately I haven’t been feeling too princely..._ **

**_Everything seems meaningless. I feel, well, I guess I feel worthless? I’m not sure._ **

**_There’s been a lot more fighting going on, too. Everyone is trying hard to accept Dee and Ree, but it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I don’t mind as much. Patton doesn’t like it very much, though. He thinks we shouldn’t hang out with them. But I think that’s wrong. After all, they’re famILY too, right?_ **

**_I guess there’s just been a lotta stress. Everyone is pushing for me to put out good ideas, to have constant updates and such. But I...but I can’t do that! It, it takes time! To come up with ideas! To search for ones in the imagination!_ **

**_But...but no matter what I do, it’s never good enough..._ **

**_I’m not good enough..._ **

****

**_It’s okay, though. I probably deserve it, right? After all, I was horrible! I was horrible to Virgil, to Logan, Patton. To everyone! This must just be karma. I deserve it, even if it hurts._ **

_**....it hurts a lot, though.** _

_**I must admit, I’ve taken to coping in some...less than ideal ways. But it’s working! It keeps me together in front of everyone else, so it’s fine.”** _

Roman winced at that bit, rubbing his arm in a soothing way, before continuing on with his writing.

**_“After all, they already have enough problems to deal with, without adding my meager problems to the mix._ **

**_Besides, I don’t deserve that kinda help. I just don’t._ **

**_Although, I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for._ **

****

**_It hurts..._ **

**_Waking up hurts, talking hurts, interacting hurts. Everything hurts._ **

****

**_I don’t wanna die, but sometimes...sometimes I think I do. Maybe just for a little bit...to get away from it all, to not have to worry about any of it anymore._ **

**_Besides, they’d probably be happier and better off without me, right?_ **

****

**_They have Remus! So it’s not like they really need me need me. They would still have creativity to do their bidding._ **

**_I’m not needed, not important._ **

**_I don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t...I don’t wanna do this anymore! Waking up just to do the same thing, get yelled at, whatever. All for what?_ **

****

**_I have no goal anymore, no ambitions. My dreams all died years ago with my past self._ **

****

**_Died with the person that was happy, hopeful even! The person that enjoyed life._ **

**_...I’m not that person anymore._ **

****

**_I’m so tired now. So, so tired. I should probably sleep, but what’s the point? It won’t help. I know it won’t, I’ve tried._ **

****

**_But still...I guess I should._ **

**_Goodnight, love, Roman~.”_ **

Roman sighed, closing his journal before placing it in his desk drawer, away from any possible prying eyes.

He then dragged himself to his bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, he winced. He looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes that would rival Virgil, and even his brothers. His hair was an untamed mess, even though he had just taken his weekly shower. (he couldn’t be bothered to do it more often, anymore.)

And he was only now noticing the light brown blotches that were littering the sleeves of his white hoodie. He groaned at that, before gingerly taking it off, wincing as it pulled at his wounds.

He sighed, looking in the mirror at his body.

_Disgusting, absolutely disgusting._

Sniffling, he wiped some tears off his cheeks, before subconsciously scratching at the lightly scabbing wounds.

He then snapped his fingers, now in a new hoodie. A red one, this time.

Turning away from the mirror, he walked back to his desk, making sure he put his journal away. Before he slowly walked over to his bed, before collapsing on it.

He grabbed his phone that was sat on his nightstand, and his sketch book, before placing his headphones in, turning on a random playlist of Disney and musical songs.

He didn’t care too much what he listened to, as long as it drowned out his thoughts.

He sat there for a good hour, lost in the music, and familiar sketching motions. Until a familiar song came on. He paused, hand stilling, before he made his decision to keep listening. 

He then clicked the volume up once or twice, letting the notes wash over him.

**_I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me._ **

He’s heard this song many times, but it still hits close to home. He lightly sniffled focusing back on the song.

**_Give them no reason to stare, no slipping up if you slip away. So I got nothing to share. No, I got nothing to say._ **

He didn’t like giving them any reason to be worried, they’d kill him if they ever found out how he “coped” these days. But oh well.

**_Step out, step out of the sun  
If you keep getting burned.  
Step out, step out of the sun  
Because you've learned, because  
you've learned._ **

See....that’s the thing, Roman hadn’t learned. Maybe he never would.

**_On the outside, always looking in  
Will I ever be more than I've always been?  
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass  
I'm waving through a window  
I try to speak, but nobody can hear  
So I wait around for an answer to appear  
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass  
I'm waving through a window, oh.  
Can anybody see? is anybody waving back at me?_ **

He angrily scrubbed at his face, wiping the tears that had fallen. No one ever listened to him, he supposed. But it’s fine, it’s _fine,_ honest.

**_We start with stars in our eyes  
We start believing that we belong.  
But every sun doesn't rise  
And no one tells you where you went wrong._ **

He let out a soft sob at that part. He often wondered where he went wrong. When did his famILY stop loving him? When did they deem him unimportant? Deem him not worth their time?

**_Step out, step out of the sun  
If you keep getting burned  
Step out, step out of the sun  
Because you've learned, because you've learned._ **

He tried so, so hard. So hard for them all. But it was never fucking enough! Nothing would ever be good enough for them!

_**On the outside, always looking in** _   
_**Will I ever be more than I've always been?** _   
_**'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass.** _   
_**Waving through a window,** _   
_**I try to speak, but nobody can hear, so I wait around for an answer to appear** _   
_**While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass** _   
**_Waving through a window, oh  
Can anybody see, is anybody waving?_ **

He sobbed again, angrily throwing his sketch book off to the side, pulling his knees up defensively, before burying his head in his knees.

**_When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around  
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?  
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around  
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?  
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around  
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?  
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around  
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?  
Did I even make a sound?  
Did I even make a sound?  
It's like I never made a sound  
Will I ever make a sound?_ **

At this point, Roman was full on sobbing. But he didn’t care, he just clicked his volume up as loud as it could go, letting the final chorus wash over him.

**_On the outside, always looking in  
Will I ever be more than I've always been?  
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass.  
Waving through a window  
I try to speak, but nobody can hear,  
so I wait around for an answer to appear  
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass.  
Waving through a window, oh  
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? (oh)  
Is anybody waving?  
Waving, waving, whoa-oh, whoa-oh._ **

Roman was still sobbing as the last notes died off, gingerly sitting up, he reached for a tissue on his night stand, and another, and another. His tears just kept coming, and didn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon.

Roman just let it happen, knowing he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. He just tucked himself underneath his covers, hugging a stuffed bear leftover from his childhood to his chest, and pressing the replay button.

Eventually, his sobs trickled off into light sniffles again.

He let the music wash over him again, content to let it play softly in his ears until it lulled him to sleep.

He knew it wasn’t fixed, wasn’t better even. And he’d have to deal with it come morning. His cuts would need to be looked at. But he didn’t care. For now, it was okay, he was content to just be. And maybe, just maybe.

_Maybe he’d be okay, too._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank y’all for reading!! I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> I hope the song fic part wasn’t too bad! I’ve just had that song stuck on loop for a while! And found it fitting. 
> 
> Anyway, to briefly explain why I’ve been gone so long! I got my first part time job! (It’s in a grocery store bakery! I love to bake!) and it’s been really fun!! But also super stressful! It’s been our busy season since I started working mid October because of all the holidays! 
> 
> Life has also just been stressful! Hence writing this as a very venty fic! 
> 
> I have, however, been writing! I have about 10 fics all in the works that just need to be finished! And yes, I WILL be continuing my other fic! Whenever I find motivation! 
> 
> So yeah! That’s what’s been going on with me in the past few months and why I’ve been gone! I hope you all understand! I’ve missed you all, and I’m happy to be back! (Hopefully.) 
> 
> Bye y’all! Love y’all, take care! <3


End file.
